It’s 9:16pm and I am standing on the Ronkonkoma line of the LIRR having my space invaded by a man with a fur coat and hoping that it’s too packed for the conductor to check my ticket.
I just got out of Days of Rage, a new and beautiful show thats closing this week. It happened to have a lot to do with my most recent article and prompted me to this. I
had drafted another interesting piece to post, but didn’t have it in me to finish it and I felt whatever I posted after that well-thought-out piece had to be something great. But instead it’s just gonna be this! Because fuck expectations and pressure, or something like that.
Today was a good day, albeit a busy day. I got a lot done and was proud of that, and now I get to go home and take a break that isnt really a break but that’s okay- I’m sure ross and rachel would have a field day with that sentence.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the world lately and what makes it spin, though I havent found an answer, I have gained a greater understanding of the things that keep us from going crazy.
At the end of Catcher in the Rye, Holden discusses these things a little and mentions “gas puddle rainbows.” I thought of this because the reflection of my phone screen in the train door is creating a phenomena similar to that. Something beautiful in something ugly, something hopeful in something hopeless. These are the things that keep us from going crazy. The stupidest things in life are the things that make us happiest. They are the things pretentious people scoff at.
I used to be that way, I couldnt understand the concept of enjoying something because it was just fun or mindless. Because for me, meaning and intention is everything so the idea of something without any purpose is strange. Now the gas puddle rainbows of life appeal to me. I enjoy bright colors and stupid inventions and things that are cute...well as much as I can for a cynic and for a former pretentious-fuck.
Not all posts need to comment on life or identity or politics. Some of them can just be stupid and fun and chances are most of you reading this right now dont want to hear me philosophize about morals or violence or anything. Based on the view counter thats on this site, you guys liked it a lot more when I made a lot of Sex and the City references. And that’s absolutely fine, because I hope that brightened your day in some way. I’d call myself a gas puddle rainbow way before I’d call myself a real one.
Today I got all my work done successfully, discussed a Chekhov piece I’ve been dying to get into, was a guest speaker on the radio show I am interning for, and saw a brand new and amazing off broadway show. I also spent a lot of time with my friends which was a distraction like no other. I couldn’t even recount to you what we discussed but its those stupid conversations that make you laugh the hardest. I spent some quality time with one of my closest friends and felt so free. And my day ended with the serendipitous realization that me and my boyfriend were on the same train home and he walked through all the cars until he found me.
Now I am laying down in a three seater on the train thinking about how the conductor never checked my ticket and how thankful and happy I am at the simple fact that I can use it again.
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